Who Says I'm Not Ok?

There is apparently not much grace for the average sinner who used to be a saint. Grace abounds for the sinner who walks in off the street, but falling off the platform is another situation entirely. There is a lot of talk in the church about the "body of Christ" and the "family of God", and even more so once one is initiated into the hallowed inner circle of "the ministry". However, there has been a bewildering silence from my former "family" lately. In my experience, both recent and historical, the church takes the same position as the Argentine health care system - if it bothers you, if it hurts, if it doesn't work right, just amputate! Chop it off, get rid of it, problem solved without too much investment of time or money. It doesn't really matter if it's gangrene or just an ingrown toenail - if it fails to meet the facetiously defined standard of "perfect", "Christian", "holy", "victorious", etc., make it disappear.

I filed for divorce last Wednesday. There, I've said it, so the wondering is over. I, a former ordained minister/missionary, filed for divorce from my formerly ordained minister/missionary spouse. *crickets* A well-meaning friend wrote to me on Friday, unaware of the timing but on topic: "One common thread I've found is that in none of the cases was the divorce a success." My first and admittedly rude thought was, "No kidding. In no language on earth are the words 'divorce' and 'success' even remotely related." The friend continued on about giving God a chance to do a miracle and other banalities along those lines. 

It got me thinking, once I'd overcome the momentary sarcastic reaction - who gets to define what my miracle is? Who gets to decide what my "ok" is? I've heard suggestions that run the gamut: 

• For some, me being ok could mean I'm back in ministry, reclaiming my credentials, re-married to a pastor or missionary, giving it all for Jesus.
• "Ok" could mean me back in church, one of those strong fabulous testimonies serving and smiling. 
• My "miracle" would be stopping the divorce and fighting it out and seeing my marriage and family restored.

Maybe, though, my miracle, my ok, my better, won't be that my life gets "back" to where everyone else thought it should be. Maybe my miracle will be that I am actually ok with God and with myself, the only two people who need to be participating in this conversation in the first place. 

I kind of want to scream, "Don't mistake my distance from church for a lack of relationship/dialogue with God!" I can say with certainty that God has not been silent. He has not observed this cautionary tale from a safe, non-contaminating distance. He has been speaking, holding, providing, supporting, walking alongside, even carrying me when one more step forward doesn't feel possible. He has been showing up in the least obvious people and the least expected circumstances. 

A dear friend, a heart-sister, tells me over and over how proud she is of me. I of course (in true Kristi-must-win form) argue back that there's not much of which to be proud in my story. I point out that this is not how life was supposed to go, and there is no way God can be happy with recent plot twists. 

And I don't honestly believe that God smiles much about certain of my bone-headed choices. But I almost believe that He smiles about me, about the fact that I'm trying to move forward considering the questionable material available to me. He may not be proud of all of my behavior, but...I think...He's okay with me and the fact that I haven't just given up. And if He can be okay with that, so can I. And anyone else whose definition of my okay wants to add more conditions to that, too bad. God has not abandoned me and is okay with me taking the time I need to be okay with him...and that's okay/better/miraculous enough for me.