I Want To See You Be Brave

I spent a lot of time being good - the good girl, the good daughter, the good student. I tried to follow the rules, at least on the outside (but I was standing up on the inside!!). I felt a lot of pressure to be perfect ever since I can remember. I don't know how that started or where it came from, but it was a constant companion, the elevator music in the background for much of my life. It turned into a very delicately balanced house of cards, something that looked ok but was fooling no one - anyone could see that it was just a matter of time before gravity and other principles of physics proved that a house put together with air and leaning doesn't last.

When my house of cards came crashing down, I might have been the most surprised of anyone. I wasn't surprised that there was no substance there - I knew it was all air and leaning. But I thought I had disguised it fairly well. I also thought that it would surprise more people (to date, absolutely no one has been shocked by the way it all turned out. Interesting...). I immediately felt bereft - what did I have left if not the pursuit of perfection?

I've spent some time getting to know me again - not the trying-desperately-to-be-perfect poser, but me. I didn't think there was anything under the polished veneer, actually. I had started to wonder if it was all just smoke and mirrors. My self-confidence, which was never really all that strong to begin with, was completely drained by losing my career and my marriage and all that I thought was as important to my life as oxygen.

Recently a theme has been appearing in my conversations with different people. If it was just one person, I could totally roll my eyes and blow raspberries and generally ignore him or her. But it's people who don't even know each other, all talking to me, telling me that I just need to be more confident, to believe in myself more, to let people see me, that it's ok if people know I'm smart or funny or know what I'm doing at work.  Just tonight a friend asked why I was being so negative about myself - I had been going for the self-deprecating humor approach but apparently the ugly truth showed through the stupid winky emoticon.

I could totally take a Barney Stinson approach and declare myself awesome…but it would be another case of smoke and mirrors (just like his legen-wait for it-dary proclamation). Instead I have moments where I think I might have the potential to allegedly be a little bit awesome. And based on my life experiences, for me, that's huge.

I struggle with even thinking about this because I don't want to be egotistical or self-absorbed or just plain annoying. My heart stutters as I try to say how I feel about things and not what the other person wants/expects me to say. Asking for things that I need - in a friendship, in a relationship, at work - is terrifying. What if the other party isn't willing to acknowledge my request? What if they don't care? What if they decide that my contribution is not worth their accommodation?

Another friend has been helping me realize that it's not all about me (shocker). Sometimes it's about what the other person can or can't or doesn't want to bring to the table themselves. And so I've decided to suck it up, quit whining, and seriously, just be awesome. What do I have to lose? What am I waiting for?

I spent a lot of time being afraid - of the consequences, of hell, of what people would think if they knew what really goes on in my head. I figured that thinking poorly of myself got that out of the way so that when other people inevitably thought poorly of me, it wasn't new information. What a waste of time and energy. I don't know if I have it in me to be brave enough to just be. I hope so.