I know, I can't believe it either. Who woulda thunkit, ya know?
And you know what else I heard?
I swear. That other person told me, and they know because they are friends with so-and-so's second cousin...
Sounds like a cheesy high school church group skit about the dangers of gossip, right? Yeah, it's not. It's things that actually have been said...by me, in the past, certainly, I'll admit...more recently, about me and mine...and there's nothing cheesy about the devastation lying below the surface of a seemingly breezy conversation.
I've been there, on the one hand, when it's of course not gossip...it's "sharing information" or "prayer requests" or yeah, just gossip. To my shame, I have participated in it, weaving cautionary tales out of barely understood half-truths and whispers of what probably didn't happen. I've also been on the side of earnestly warning against the dangers of gossip and the hurtful consequences and c'mon, people, it's just not christian to talk about other people like that. It's easy to forget that actual hurting people are somewhere at the bottom of the leaning tower of "did you hear".
And now...the fodder and impetus have converged to make me the headliner of the next cautionary tale to be shared at a "prayer meeting" near you. And of course, as is 100% of the time always the case, I'm seeing the whole concept through different eyes.
For me, the story went like this:
1. First, a series of unfortunate events happened. Right away, that's sad, but also right away, people in charge and other people not even remotely necessary to the plot started relying on everything except actually talking to the people involved to construct a story line. I was so busy being sad for a while that I wasn't really aware that there were these whole other conversations happening.
2. By the time I realized that other conversations were happening, I was in angry-at-the-world mode and promptly became pissed beyond reason and had several vilifying rants about "how dare they" and "who do they think they are" and "church 1, actual hurting person 0" and etc ad nauseam ad infinitum. I also had a very literal ache in my heart that spanned so many levels.
3. After, well, during, the pissed part came the "I'm gonna fix this" part. I declared a holy war of retribution and I was determined to root out the culprits and expose them in all their two-faced glory.
4. Then...I actually thought about it for five seconds before exploding (a modern-day miracle in and of itself)...and I thought..."Meh. It's sad that they have nothing else better to do than make up crap about me, who in the scheme of things is not really anybody worth all the whispering."
5. Then I saw this on Pinterest (vicious enemy of the best-laid time management plans):
And you know what...it's absolutely true. I get to choose who participates in my life on a regular basis...and "they" aren't invited. I don't have to ferret out the culprit or report them to the credentials board or make sure their sins (equally as devastating to the heart of God, even if seemingly more benign) are broadcast or really even worry about them at all. They are not my problem.
I get it. I really do. There's a certain satisfying hubris in assuring oneself and other people that we are not as bad or as broken or as whatever as so-and-so. In humanity's favorite game of self-justification, it's nice to come out "better" on the broken scale than someone else.
I spent some time feeling very miserable and disillusioned that this was happening in "christian" circles...but a friend made a very good (and rather sad) point: You often find more mercy and grace in tangible form from "prostitutes and publicans", because they are aware of the great need for it. In my ongoing struggle for reconciliation with church, there are topics like this one that just contribute to the difficulty of continuing the fight. I'm not making a blanket judgment about church, because I know it's mostly a person-by-person thing (I'm absurdly blessed to have a few friends from the ministry who are some of my biggest cheerleaders on this road to redemption). But even I was shocked when a supposedly well-intentioned pastor's wife sat down and told me how she wanted to be friends and she was okay with whatever my story was...and when she actually heard the story, she dropped off the face of the earth as far as I'm concerned and I haven't heard a peep out of her since. She got the deets...and took the first exit. And then there are the people I have met outside church, who are all very conscious of their own "sh** happens" stories, that have overwhelmed me with ridiculous generosity and tangible grace and mercy.
So, I guess the conversation continues for me and church. Actually, I think I'm going to pause that conversation for a while. Sometimes I get sick of repeating myself. I'm still holding out hope for the dialogue with Jesus, because I know He's only talking to me about my stuff and extending grace and mercy and unexpected blessings every single time He thinks I'll listen.
