Oh, me. Silly, silly me.
The conversation was not and is not over. Yesterday, this word again slapped me in the face and took away my breath with its sheer audacity. It taunted me (yes, really) and flaunted its increasingly unpalatable connotations in my face. It reminded me that I have to get over myself.
See, I forgot half the things I wrote about way back in February. I was going along thinking all was well, patting myself on the back for learning my lesson and moving forward. And in some respects, that is true. I have made progress. I have moved forward. I have put forth effort into this very hard thing, and I have acknowledged that it’s a process, not necessarily a destination. But…I got complacent. I took a bow and thought I was totally owning it and enjoying my perch on top of the world.
And then. The conversation went something like this:
Irrational Me: What?! I can’t believe…the nerve…how dare…are you kidding me right now?!?!
Rational Me: Emmm, dude. Chill.
Irrational Me: It’s SO. UN. FAIR. And I have a right to be angry about this. It hurt me.
Rational Me: Emmm, dude. Seriously? Why? And how did you contribute to the situation?
Irrational Me: Not important. I can be mad about this, this one thing.
Rational Me: Emmm, no. How is that helping?
Irrational Me: Dude. There’s a reason this part of the conversation is labeled “Irrational Me”.
Rational Me: Right. Let me know when you’re done with your tantrum and we’ll talk.
That’s exactly how ridiculous it was. And the bottom line is (after a couple conversations with much more rational, logical people and a few moments to gather the tiny remaining shreds of my dignity), I need to forgive. I need to let it go. I need to acknowledge that it is what it is, and it’s not even inherently wrong per se.
And I need to remember that forgiveness is almost never about the other person. It’s about handing myself the “Get Out of Jail Free” card. Because when I don’t choose to forgive, I’m giving someone else power over me and letting that person define the parameters of my happiness. Not cool, Irrational Me, not cool at all.
So, this conversation is still not over, but I don’t think that’s unfortunate. Forgiveness is one of those things that can never be truly mastered. It requires a lifetime of conscientious and purposeful practice (such fantastic news…). Some of us (ME) may need more practice than others, but the payoff of being able to live free far outweighs the temporary solace of pointing fingers.
