I'm trying to talk less and observe more, and also hide less and be out around people more. I've joined a couple social groups and let me tell you, it is one of the least pleasant feelings ever to step out of my comfort zone (books and coffee by myself, thanks) and be open to new possibilities (actually talking to another sentient being *gasp*). There've been some hilarious moments and several uncomfortable moments and yet…I went again this morning and it was kind of…awesome, actually. Conversation flowed with several different people, contact info was exchanged, friendships continue to grow. It was almost like being a real live adult person.
Anyone who knows me as more than words on a screen knows that this is huge for me. I have wrestled for a long time with self-esteem issues and fears. I struggle with the direction my life has taken, since it is definitely not the direction that was on the agenda. Getting out of my house and meeting people and making friends has felt like the most impossibly uncomfortable awful terrible no-good idea ever. I spent a long time cultivating this very self-reliant, independent, I-don't-need-people (so there, Fanny Brice) persona, which as has already been discussed was a big fat mistake. Knowing that in my head and actually working towards fixing it is the gap I've been working on bridging.
I think most people shy away from prolonged introspection. I'm not talking about an egotistical self-focus - I mean a serious investigation of the whys and wherefores of one's behaviors and motivations and underlying beliefs and all the little hidden pieces that compose the total picture we present to the world. I want to put the very best spin on my situation as possible, and I know I'm not alone. Almost every conversation about past relationships (friendships, marriages, any kind of relationship) tends to focus on why the other person fell short and not so much on the brokenness contributed by the speaker. Everyone's ex-whatever is crazy/selfish/unpredictable/narcissistic/etc…it's rare to hear anything remotely resembling, "I wasn't what he or she needed/I failed/I messed up."
If knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is mostly powerfully painful. The price one ends up paying to gain said painful self-knowledge is always high. It almost always comes as a result of a mistake, a failure, a broken relationship, a lapse in judgement, a standard not met. An even higher price is paid when I ignore the lessons that these shortcomings reveal. If I remain clueless, if I approach every breakdown with a shrug and a tendency to assign blame elsewhere, I run the risk of assessing too high a price against another's patience or goodwill or personhood. So while my human nature winces at the price tag attached to becoming a better person, the price for continued ignorance is too steep and bears no resemblance to the mythical "bliss" of not knowing those unavoidable truths behind my facade.
Man, this "being an adult" stuff is hard. I'm feeling a retreat to the blanket fort and crayons coming on…
I feel this way sometimes still and I am now, if anything, a practiced extrovert! Boy, you would have never looked at me as a child and guessed that one! After my divorce I thought it would be safer to not rely on anyone else and just do it on my own. This is a habit I still struggle with. It seems safer to try yourself and manage, or even fail, than to lean on someone that may not be there some day when you need them. It is difficult, But worth it.
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