I'm trying to talk less and observe more, and also hide less and be out around people more. I've joined a couple social groups and let me tell you, it is one of the least pleasant feelings ever to step out of my comfort zone (books and coffee by myself, thanks) and be open to new possibilities (actually talking to another sentient being *gasp*). There've been some hilarious moments and several uncomfortable moments and yet…I went again this morning and it was kind of…awesome, actually. Conversation flowed with several different people, contact info was exchanged, friendships continue to grow. It was almost like being a real live adult person.
Anyone who knows me as more than words on a screen knows that this is huge for me. I have wrestled for a long time with self-esteem issues and fears. I struggle with the direction my life has taken, since it is definitely not the direction that was on the agenda. Getting out of my house and meeting people and making friends has felt like the most impossibly uncomfortable awful terrible no-good idea ever. I spent a long time cultivating this very self-reliant, independent, I-don't-need-people (so there, Fanny Brice) persona, which as has already been discussed was a big fat mistake. Knowing that in my head and actually working towards fixing it is the gap I've been working on bridging.
I think most people shy away from prolonged introspection. I'm not talking about an egotistical self-focus - I mean a serious investigation of the whys and wherefores of one's behaviors and motivations and underlying beliefs and all the little hidden pieces that compose the total picture we present to the world. I want to put the very best spin on my situation as possible, and I know I'm not alone. Almost every conversation about past relationships (friendships, marriages, any kind of relationship) tends to focus on why the other person fell short and not so much on the brokenness contributed by the speaker. Everyone's ex-whatever is crazy/selfish/unpredictable/narcissistic/etc…it's rare to hear anything remotely resembling, "I wasn't what he or she needed/I failed/I messed up."
If knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is mostly powerfully painful. The price one ends up paying to gain said painful self-knowledge is always high. It almost always comes as a result of a mistake, a failure, a broken relationship, a lapse in judgement, a standard not met. An even higher price is paid when I ignore the lessons that these shortcomings reveal. If I remain clueless, if I approach every breakdown with a shrug and a tendency to assign blame elsewhere, I run the risk of assessing too high a price against another's patience or goodwill or personhood. So while my human nature winces at the price tag attached to becoming a better person, the price for continued ignorance is too steep and bears no resemblance to the mythical "bliss" of not knowing those unavoidable truths behind my facade.
Man, this "being an adult" stuff is hard. I'm feeling a retreat to the blanket fort and crayons coming on…
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
New Swear Word
I have a, shall we say, "relationship" with words. I bend them to my will…I can obfuscate with the best of them…I like the way some sound (Reykjavik)…I've been accused of using $100 words when $1 words would suffice…I've been known to invent new ones (in two languages no less)…and I have a tendency to declare certain, emmmm, undesirable words as "new swear words in my country".
So, what denigrates a word to the new swear word list, you ask? It's usually based on certain annoying qualities that said word possesses or implies. For example: patience. That is about the foulest word that comes to mind right now. I do not have, nor do I wish to experience the process leading to, patience. We hates it forever!
Tonight, however, I came into contact with a word that gives patience a positively angelic connotation. Tonight I went to church (grumble!)…tonight the topic was *gulp* forgiveness.
*crickets*
I know, I can't believe I said it either. I hope this gets censored - somebody ought to blow the whistle, I mean, this is a family show (maybe, I don't know. I'm just talking, I have no idea who's listening). I'm being facetious but let's just put it this way…this word, this forgiveness makes me very uncomfortable.
The thing is, it was explained very very well tonight. It was elucidated, enunciated, exposited, eruditely encompassed (enough!). The speaker wasn't the most polished, but I tend to be suspicious of polished preachers anyhow (right, I know, I'm currently suspicious of almost all preachers, but this guy at least compelled me to listen, so full marks). He explained the concept so clearly I was fidgety and wondering if someone had informed him that I was there (I know it's not all about me but you know the feeling when someone's ringing your bell).
This is a hard word. This is a word that makes me cringe. This word shocks my self-righteous sensibility and challenges my worldview. This word…the power of words is almost incomprehensible…sticks and stones got nothin' on a well-placed, well-timed word. This word makes me re-evaluate…inspect…examine…consider…and I don't like what I see.
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's not an excuse for mistreatment. It's not a glossing-over of brokenness. It's not a get-out-of-jail-free card for habitual offenders. It's not giving permission for a sequel. It's not condoning another person's misbehavior. All of that sounds ok. I can handle that.
But then what is it, if it's none of those things? What about it makes it so hard to swallow? It's about not demanding repayment of a smaller debt than the one which I no longer bear. It's about putting down the poison I am prepared to drink in hopes that the other person will die. It's about letting myself out of the jail I construct and reinforce every time I mark another offense against me. It's about making sure that what I bring to the table is the best I can bring, and it's about not taking unwarranted responsibility for someone else's actions. It's about letting myself breathe freely rather than suffocating in my own discontent. All of this sounds hard.
So yeah, it totally deserves swear word status. It's a shocking, uncomfortable, messy word. It implies painful introspection and deliberate movement towards something different. It involves leaving behind the supposed comfort of a painstakingly constructed bomb shelter and facing a brave new world free from the danger of self-imposed solitary confinement. It involves change, a word that factors heavily on most people's swear word list.
I'm not a fan! And this conversation (unfortunately) is not over.
 |
| You'll see the irony by the time you finish reading... |
Tonight, however, I came into contact with a word that gives patience a positively angelic connotation. Tonight I went to church (grumble!)…tonight the topic was *gulp* forgiveness.
*crickets*
I know, I can't believe I said it either. I hope this gets censored - somebody ought to blow the whistle, I mean, this is a family show (maybe, I don't know. I'm just talking, I have no idea who's listening). I'm being facetious but let's just put it this way…this word, this forgiveness makes me very uncomfortable.
The thing is, it was explained very very well tonight. It was elucidated, enunciated, exposited, eruditely encompassed (enough!). The speaker wasn't the most polished, but I tend to be suspicious of polished preachers anyhow (right, I know, I'm currently suspicious of almost all preachers, but this guy at least compelled me to listen, so full marks). He explained the concept so clearly I was fidgety and wondering if someone had informed him that I was there (I know it's not all about me but you know the feeling when someone's ringing your bell).
This is a hard word. This is a word that makes me cringe. This word shocks my self-righteous sensibility and challenges my worldview. This word…the power of words is almost incomprehensible…sticks and stones got nothin' on a well-placed, well-timed word. This word makes me re-evaluate…inspect…examine…consider…and I don't like what I see.
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It's not an excuse for mistreatment. It's not a glossing-over of brokenness. It's not a get-out-of-jail-free card for habitual offenders. It's not giving permission for a sequel. It's not condoning another person's misbehavior. All of that sounds ok. I can handle that.
But then what is it, if it's none of those things? What about it makes it so hard to swallow? It's about not demanding repayment of a smaller debt than the one which I no longer bear. It's about putting down the poison I am prepared to drink in hopes that the other person will die. It's about letting myself out of the jail I construct and reinforce every time I mark another offense against me. It's about making sure that what I bring to the table is the best I can bring, and it's about not taking unwarranted responsibility for someone else's actions. It's about letting myself breathe freely rather than suffocating in my own discontent. All of this sounds hard.
So yeah, it totally deserves swear word status. It's a shocking, uncomfortable, messy word. It implies painful introspection and deliberate movement towards something different. It involves leaving behind the supposed comfort of a painstakingly constructed bomb shelter and facing a brave new world free from the danger of self-imposed solitary confinement. It involves change, a word that factors heavily on most people's swear word list.
I'm not a fan! And this conversation (unfortunately) is not over.
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